A quick heads up before we begin, there's a whole lot of self-indulgent self-analysis in here. A lot of words too. No pictures. You have been warned.

Patience is a virtue, I want to be virtuous, therefore I need to be more patient? Flawed logic and mathematics!

I'm experimenting with patience of late, and it's tough, but I figure in the long run it should be beneficial.

The way I figure, developing better patience will help in a bunch of ways, but mainly it should help me deal with my ongoing dilemma of how to exist in now time.

When making a choice the past sometimes has too much say, while possible futures emerge in a cavalcade of thunderous distraction, too often leaving me lost and with no decision at all. Patience, hopefully, allows me to make decisions on a shorter term and utilitarian basis, or even just let me sit in the now and enjoy more moments as they happen.

The future will arrive regardless, and I need to stop running at it and letting it over-influence decisions. Especially since most of the possible futures I come up with aren't set in jello, let alone stone!


Let's illustrate with examples shall we?

With improv I've recently chosen to sign up for a class that might not advance my theatrical aspirations **cough** as directly as another. As per usual these aspirations are vague; get into the Macro Neato cast in the short term and just get better at improv in the long term. Realizing that working toward these things can't actually be rushed took a lot of pressure off my class choice, and let me take the one I wanted for other reasons.

Now I get more time to play with friends on Sundays; salt water pool swims, saunas, all the stuff that's important in my life right now.

It also helped to realize that my internal debate was prefaced by the false notion that I KNEW which class would be better. I didn't and don't. Alongside patience, constantly reminding myself how little I know about all aspects of life seems like a good idea; just because I think it, doesn't make it true.

On a slight side note, I've also become more realistic with where I might go with improv. I remain positive about it but also know that I need to treat improv as a fun thing, not a "gotta be the best at this now" thing. Too often I've watched amazing improvisers and wonder how to get that good fast (the whole distracted by the future problem), until recently when I started getting my head around the reality that these people are not only talented, but have been working hard for WAY more than my 8 months. Obvious, I know, but ol' lizard cerebellum has never been one to care about reality.

As straightforward as it is, it's about patience and hard work, and whatever skillZ I have will make themselves apparent in time.

Patience is also great when it comes to my reading habits. For the past few months I've had a heap of books beside my bed on a variety of topics that, while interesting, were starting to stress me out. There were just too many pages!

Despite previous efforts I now understand I likely won't ever know all of all. I'm just not that clever and my eyes just aren't that big. So, the new patient plan is stop going library crazy, read when I have time and interest and not force myself into something that I think I should know.

Why was I reading a blog about Yemeni focused foreign policy for months? Why did I think an intense week's worth of reading and writing poetry would move me forward in a significant way if I was going to burn myself out and revert to a null-state immediately after?

I don't know.

And finally, patience might come in handy mit die Frauen.

I realized recently I haven't had a proper crush in a while. I'm wary of crushes and can't bring myself to trust them. Let me see if I can explain why and then make a guess as to how patience helps with these most pressing dilemmas.

At times, crushes, healthy or not, arrive and leave like farts in the wind, but other times they maintain and embed in my skull. Even when I can rationally recognize their hopelessness, certain crushes become self-perpetuating and drive me to actions and decisions that don't make sense and I have no desire to participate in. These eventually end when I'm inspired to do something so dumb that afterwards I feel like a being made of nothing but awkward ridiculous, and as a result I'm finally able to move on because of the sheer self-embarrassment of it all.

They start for all sorts of reasons. Physical attraction, an amazing personality, what someone is doing with their life, or my favourite, those that stem from my amazingly susceptible to suggestion self:

You say she likes me? I've always hated her soul, but maybe...

On top of this, if the person is already a friend I get to hack my way through all the above while considering the relative benefits, or not, of changing or risking pre-established relationships. And ALL OF THIS doesn't even consider what the crushee might feel about the whole thing, how they might react and so on.

Basically I get stressed because I'm never sure if a crush is a legit feeling or an infatuation that will be supplanted at any moment; am I interested for the right reasons, or am I going into this lying to her and myself from the start?

This is not an exhaustive list of what I take into account, and it varies from case to case, but you get the idea. After all, I'm sure you all have similar fun-time mental parties too.

I figure though, once again, patience can be a great help in all of this.

Wait it out a bit and shallow infatuations can reveal themselves. Or maybe the crushee ends up with someone else. THAT'S ALWAYS SO MUCH FUN.

I'm not saying I should pine from the bushes until the moment is lost. Instead it's about accepting that not all needs to be clarified immediately. In the past the urge to clarify something, discuss it with friends, look for advice, and act (always act) hasn't helped. It's like once the possible future has been imagined I want to make it real or destroy it as fast as possible.

If it works out, great, but if not then at least I have narrowed an infinity of possible by one.

And even if patience solves nothing, or only reveals the futility of a notion, at least it allows me to live in a moment for a time. Crushes are great because they hold so much promise. When you're sitting in their midst you get to revel in the magic and take time to imagine what might be. By forcing a resolution you miss the chance to soak.

If nothing is going to come of a crush I'll find that out eventually, and in the meantime I get to discover what's great about a person, laugh at their jokes, be amazed by their passions, and maybe, JUST maybe, share an amazing kiss that was months in the making.


Heh, and again, when you don't know what you want it's tough to ask someone to be interested. Unless they're into ephemeral boyfriends.

Frantically trying to find the way to an unknown goal doesn't help.

Breathing helps.

Observing helps.

Learning helps.

Realizing that no matter what opportunities were missed in the past and what the future might smack you in the jaw with there will be another day to sort it all out helps.

Unless the earth explodes.

1 comment:

  1. i supposed there are instances when the application of patience is a good thing, like when you have no control over an outcome and you just have to wait it out, or if you're super angry about something and you should probably take some time to settle about whatever it is.
    but i must say, i think patience is best used sparingly. who wants to sit around waiting for things to happen? nobody! nobody wants that! and i think this is especially true when it comes to crushes. jump in! crush away! the more recklessly and honestly, the better! i mean, so long as you're not a crazy.

    ps: props on ze german.